


Keyframe

by da_renan



Series: Dirthavaren [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Clan life, F/M, Parent-Child Relationship, dragon age inqusition - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-07-26 12:24:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7573951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/da_renan/pseuds/da_renan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my life before I limped into the conclave because I made an oath, as I walked away from death into death. This story was not just my own, honoring the dead, but of my mother, my keeper and my clan as they made me into what I am. I am Maharial's daughter, a Dalish; a keeper of lost lore, walkers of the lonely path, last of the Elvhenan, and never again shall we submit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

Keyframe

n. a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the past, but allows you to move forward without endless buffering. (from the dictionary of Obscure sorrows website)

 

Prologue

I never thought it would come to this, that there would be so much death and despair. I never thought so many things, and yet they were all true. I wish it hadn't come to this, but it always did.

I sunk against dry and rough bark, whines falling from my mouth, and I pressed my cold and shaking fingers to muffle them, but stopped at the sight of crimson smeared on them. I have never been so wrong. My heart hurt, like it was contracting in my chest, closing my throat. My leg burned, gaping up with blood pooling, the wind making my skin cold everywhere else but where my flesh was broken apart. I couldn't hold my body still, it twitched and shook and I swore it was falling apart.

I guess we were never meant to survive.

How did it come to this? Tears slid down my closed eyes, I couldn't bear to see the broken bodies of my clan around me, or how embers burned slowly at the grass that threatened to make everything go in flame. I didn't care, why should I?

I opened my mouth and screamed, screamed for all the pain, the betrayal, the lies. "HOW COULD YOU FORSAKE US?! AND WE DON'T DESERVE THIS!" My throat became raw as smoke rose up, flames flickering to life. I pulled myself closer to the tree, sobs wracking my body. I couldn't let my eyes wonder over broken bodies of the children, the helpless elders, or the brave ones that died with their bows in hand. I could let myself die here, they were. They were all I had, all I was. I wanted it to be my time.

"Get up." I opened my eyes, not expecting to hear anything, everyone was dead. I checked, I poured my magic into their bleeding bodies, their skin cold underneath my shaking hands, their lips becoming blue. "I know it hurts, I can't make it stop hurting now. It feels like fire ants are crawling in my leg, I can feel the smoke in my nose burning down into my throat."

I moved my head to look at whatever was speaking, coughing as the flames became bigger around me. What knelt before me was a man, his skin lighter than I ever saw, his hair like straw over his face that looked like death was hovering over him. A hat that looked like it was taken off of a shemlen's contraption that kept birds from their crops covered most of his face. His fingers were cold as they wrapped around my wrist and pulled. I couldn't hold the scream back as my weight fell onto my leg, and I slumped against the man. The world spun faster and faster, the heat of the flames falling behind as the man ran, my legs feebly trying to move, though I would rather have stayed laying with my clan and die.

How did it come to this? I questioned as the world slipped into blackness.


	2. Sleepy Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan as a child, bed time

Sleepy Time 

“Mama I don’t wanna.” I whine, dragging my feet over the bear fur rug, “I’m not sleepy!” I pout, grasping for Mama’s grey pants, the material soft in my tiny fingers and I make huge eyes at her. 

“I’m sure you aren’t now, but you will be in your new hammock, that hahren Sole made just for you.” Mama tapped my nose with a smile before picking me up in her strong arms. I laid my chubby cheek on her shoulder, tangling my fingers through her loose red hair. 

“Mama, why don’t I have your hair? I want my hair to be raspberry red too!” I tugged her hair forward a bit, pretending I had red bangs, but her hair was too long and it tickled my nose. Mama laughed softly, her golden-green eyes happy as she laid me on the small hammock, and I laughed loudly as it rocked me back. I struggled to sit up, having to grab the hammock’s side to steady myself. 

“You have your Daddy’s hair, though yours has much more red in it.” Mama pushed my hair away from my forehead, her eyes far away. 

“Why isn’t my hair as straight as yours? You never get knots.” I grumble, thinking about how much it hurt when Mama sits me down to run her halla brush through my tangles. 

“You have your Daddy’s curls as well da’len.” Mama stated as she took my tiny fingers in her hands; it looked like a giant was cupping them! 

“Why don’t I have anything of yours Mama? I wanna be like you Mama, why can’t I?” I pouted again as she gently rubbed my fingers with her larger and ruffer ones. 

“Well you have my freckles,” Mama kissed my face until I hid it in my shoulder, giggling. “and you have my nose,” she tickled my sides and the hammock swung a bit with me trying to hide from her fingers. “and you have my nimble feet.” Mama sat back, grasping the hammock to make the swinging slow down. 

“But I’m not as pretty as you Mama.” I sighed, trying to imagine the grown up me looking like Mama with her strength and pretty hair, and able to anything! 

“Viranosh,” Mama leaned forward, her eyebrows pinched and her golden vallaslin of Andruil move with them. “You’re beautiful, and you don’t need to look like me to be pretty. Now come on da’len, it’s time to go to sleep.” 

“But I’m not sleepy!” I scowl as Mama covers me with my favorite grey blanket, I wiggled my toes as they were starting to peek from the worn edge, and Mama tucks the corners the best she could in so it wouldn’t come out as I’d toss and turn in the night. 

“How about I sing to you until you fall asleep?” Mama asks as she sits down, slowly moving the hammock from side to side, and I curl into my pillow with a nod. “Yes, please.” 

“Elagara Vallas, da’len” I close my eyes, smiling, mama’s voice was so pretty. “Melava somniar/ Mala taren aravas, ara ma’desen melar.” I stifled a yawn, relaxing into my new hammock. “Iras ma ghilas, da’len/ Ara ma’nedan ashir/ Dirthara lothlenan’as/” through half closed eyes I grabbed Mama’s finger as I started to fall asleep. “Bal emma mala dir. . .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation: 
> 
> Elgara vallas, da'len. - sun sets, little one   
>  Melava seminar - time to dream   
>  Mala taren aravas - your mind journeys,  
>  Ara ma'desen molar- But I will hold you here.
> 
>  
> 
> Iras ma ghilas, da'len. - where will you go, little one,  
>  Ara ma'nedan ashir - lost to me in sleep?  
>  Dirthara lothlenan'as - seek truth in forgotten land  
>  Bal emma mala dir - deep with in your heart
> 
> You can type in Dalish lullaby into youtube and it'll pop up if you want to listen to it :)


	3. Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan manifests!

Magic

"Steady your breath Da'len." Keeper Deshanna order sharply, and I looked at her from under my eyelashes. With some impatience I take a deeper breath, trying not to get distracted by anything in the glen. The attention of the Keeper was an honor, but I just wanted to see if anyone wanted to play. Sweat dribbled across my small forehead as I felt the. . . well I couldn't describe it, it felt as if there was a ball of heat in my body, but I never thought about it until the Keeper asked me about it a bit ago.

"Now coax it out; slowly, gently." The Keeper sounded far away and breathless to me, maybe adults just got breathless sitting? She _was_ old. I let out a comfortable breath and it naturally moved closer to my body, settling on my skin. It crackled and popped against my skin, it felt nice. Comfortable.

"Pull it out more da'len." The keeper whispered, and I slowly opened my eyes as the crackling and popping heat pooled around my hands, and I couldn't help the awe that settled in me as lightening popped around my hands. It was so pretty with its colors. Excitement bubbled forth and I lost the concentration on the ball of light, and like a fire going out it slowly crackled away into nothing.

"Mama will be so amazed!" I shout, leaping to my feet and ignoring the Keeper as she protested after me.

"Mama! Mama!" I called as I ran into the clan, looking up for my mother's raspberry red hair, which I found talking to Hahren Sole, our Craftsmaster, and I dodged through my clanmates legs with my haste and excitement. I ran so fast on my short legs, I was shorter than the other children, but faster! Until I thudded into Mama's legs, the ruff material of her hunting pants irritating to my cheek, but I didn't care.

"Mama, Mama youwon'tbelievewhatishappened!" I tugged on her hand, the one that wasn't holding up what she skinned, with a huge smile.

"Viranosh, it's what _has_ happened, not _is_." Mama corrected as she set the fur down, before kneeling beside me with her patient smile.

"The Keeper made me do magic!" I blurted out, bouncing in front of Mama, but stopped as Mama's face became stormy like the lightening I made earlier. "Mama. . . ?" I got in before she slowly stood up, her eyes focused on something behind me. I moved close to the craft table as I looked from the Keeper Deshanna to Mama.

"You can't have her." Mama growled, her ears moving to convey her hostility. The Keeper brought her hands up, her face patient.

"She manifested." The Keeper spoke slowly. "She must be trained now." Mama bristled, her sharp teeth showing in her anger.

"NO, _you_ pushed her and made her manifest! You can't have her, I won't let you." Mama moved forward, but Hahren Sole grabbed her arm, his face like stone.

"It was time to sit her down, anyone can feel her magic coming off, just by standing next to her." The Keeper used her patient tone that she used when Rihen caused trouble with the halla.

"Mama, I don't understand . . ." I whisper to Mama, hugging her leg after she rips her arm out of Hahren Sole's grip.

"Elain's with child; that child carries magic, you can take hers!" Mama held me close, my face pressed just above her knee, her fingers winding in my tangled hair.

"No, I can't. The child is not as powerful, and I cannot just let yours wonder around with magic." The Keeper moved closer making Mama hold me closer to her, and her pants scratched me more. "Mama. . ." I mumbled against her pants.

"Then she will have supervised lessons with you, but you cannot take her." Mama widened her stance, her other hand straying to the dagger at her belt.

"That will do Falin." The Keeper suddenly smiled before leaving but Mama didn't relax until the Keeper wasn't in view anymore.

"Falin, you can't just do that." Hahren Sole frowned, crossing his arms.

"Give me your smallest dagger, now." Mama turned her stormy golden-green eyes to him, her ears still displaying her hostility.

"Falin! She is only five years old, you can't give her a dagger." Hahren Sole protested with concern, his ears drooping.

"And yet the Keeper can take her?" Mama snarled and thumped her hand on the craft table, and Hahren Sole moved slowly to the other side. "You can keep the pelt and I'll be back for something else later." Mama took the small dagger and then quickly grabbed my hand in her strong grip as she pulled me away. I stumbled after her but she didn't slow down until we got the small glen where the Keeper had me call the magic.

"Stand straight Viranosh." Mama looked down at me, her face hard. I looked up at her confused before I straightened my shoulders the best I could, like I saw Mama all the time. "You will always be smaller than others, but you are fast." Mama stated, her voice cold. I didn't know this Mama. . .

"Hold out your favorite writing hand." I put both my hands up because they both were my favorite; even if my writing lessons weren't pretty right now.

"Give me your left." Mama order, but grabbed it before I could lower my right one.

"Why?" I looked up at her, my eyes glazed with tears. Why was she being so mean? What did I do wrong?

"Because da'len, your attacker will not expect this one." Mama didn't soften her voice or face at the sight of my tears, which confused me more. She always did. . .

"You will grasp the dagger like this. . ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much older than around the last chapter, so around five years old


	4. Higher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protective mother, jumping

Higher

* * *

" _Again."_ Mama barks as I thump hard onto the ground, my balance wobbly and my feet sparked with the force of the fall. I stomped my foot hard, twirling to face Mama, my face red and I couldn't control the signals from my ears.

 

"I don't want to!" I kick at the ground again. "I already spent time with the Keeper doing boring stuff! I just want to go play with Rihen and Rivanna." Tears glisten and blur my vision, making my Mama look wooshy.

 

"I do not care what you want. You will continue until I tell you that you can stop." Mama used the cold voice that didn't sound like Mama, it confused me and none of my tears made it softer. I stomped the ground again in my anger before my shoulders slumped.

 

"Bend your knees more." Mama ordered from her stance, and with anger I bend my small knees, my eyes trained on the wooden box Mama wanted me to jump onto. "Move your arms up to the sky and extent!" I let out a small grunt as my toes leave the ground, my slight body in the air and my arms moving wildly in the air until I landed unevenly onto the wooden box. It was hard and wobbly under my feet, my toes felt bruised from how many times Mama made me do it.

 

"Good. That's enough for now da'len." Mama's voice got softer as I hastily scramble off the wooden box, squinting at Mama from the sunlight floating through the huge trees. Mama rubbed her face, which lately has started to look paler, but I didn't really notice. She easily grabbed the wooden box and rested it against her shoulder, her eyes closing a bit.

 

"Mama. . . do you not like me anymore?" I mumble, grasping Mama's free fingers and tugged on them. Her eyes were softer now, safer, _hers_.

 

"Viranosh, nothing could make me stop loving you." She tightened her warm fingers around mine, smiling softly at me. I didn't understand how she could switch from mean mother to my Mama, but I was glad that she was back.

 

"Then why do you keep making me do these things?" I look up at Mama, my bottom lip trembling, almost not seeing move my hair from my forehead, her touch like but too warm. "Is it because of what the Keeper make me do?"

 

"Da'len, I am teaching you how to protect yourself." Mama laid down the wooden box and pulled me against her with both of her hands.

 

"But you'll always be here to do that for me." I mumble against the cured fur that made her hunting pants, my fingers laid against her legs unable to grab the tight pants in my fingers.

 

"I can't protect you from everything forever da'len." Mama wove her fingers deep into my hair, pulling at the small braid.

 

"Yes you can." I look up at her, my chin pressed against her leg. Mama looked like a spirit with gold around her, her hair reaching down to me, her golden-green eyes bright. Mama didn't say anything to that but patted my head more.

 

"Go play da'len, soon we'll be leaving here and you won't be able to play." Mama looked at me with her strange expression, but I couldn't figure it out, nor did I stay to; she said I could play!


	5. Singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother isn't always there

"Do you hear something, da'len?" The Keeper sounded closer than she was before, and I paused mid step.

"You don't hear the singing, Keeper?" I lowered the flowers I was dancing with, my happiness dimming with embarrassment. I moved my foot from its placement so I could stand properly, wringing the flower stems softly between my fingers.

"No da'len. Do you . . . do you hear it from the fade?" The Keeper's face became hungry at the question, and I was afraid to nod my head, but I was even more afraid to lie to the Keeper. The Keeper's grin became bigger when I gave jerky nod.

"Will you tell Mama?" I mumble, shifting from left to right.

"Not if you don't want me to da'len. Oh," the Keeper raised my chin up so I could look her in the eye. "You are becoming so powerful, so young. It's nothing to be scared of da'len." Her thumb ran across my jaw, her eyes far away.

"I should collect the elfroot, Keeper." I hastily tell her, my six year old mind confused at what she was implying and why it sounded so scary.

"Why don't you sing what you hear from the fade as you do, da'len?" The Keeper asked, her old face bright, and with some hesitance I let the words I heard from the fade stumble off my tongue sloppily as I cut the elfroot the way she showed me, placing them in the basket she carried.

"That's enough da'len." The Keeper patted my head as we made our way back, and I gladly closed my mouth. I didn't made it very far into camp when Mama found us, her gaze hard on the Keeper when she quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me away.

"What did you learn today, _da'lath_?" Mama asked and I giggled at the nickname she used.

"I'm a whole year bigger now! You can't keep callin' me small any longer." I eagerly tug on her fingers, which in turn made Mama move quickly. I shouted and squealed as the ground left my feet quickly and I was placed over her shoulders.

"You're not small anymore, eh?" Mama laughed as she tickled my feet which swung wildly near her face.

"Stop Mama!" I laughed trying to wiggle out of her grip, my head falling further down her back. "Okay! Okay! I'm small!" I laughed until I couldn't take it anymore. Mama pulled me over and tucked me onto her hip, kissing my face.

"Now what did you learn today, da'lath?" Mama asked again, putting her chin on my head.

"I learned how to properly cut elfroot, how to make it into a paste, and after Var'Lethallin'Vunin she'll teach me how to make it into a drink." I wrapped my fingers in Mama's scarlet hair, holding it up so the gold shimmered.

"And how do you know Var'Lethallin'Vunin is going to happen so soon?" Mama nuzzled my nose, her face bright unlike how it was this morning.

"Because Hrehen Dirthalden said so," I stuck my nose in the air. "And he knows everything about our halla."

"Does that mean you've been working on your tolken?"

"Yes! Though it's not made from halla horn . . . but it's still pretty, you'll see Mama."

"Anything you make is pretty da'lath." Mama murmured before she set me down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Var'Lethallin'Vunin- It is a holiday when the first calf is born in the new year.
> 
> da'lath- small love


	6. Chapter six: Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What it means to be the First

Chapter six

Var’Lethallin’Vunin flashed by with joy, the games and events a blur as I settled into my hammock, Mama was tucking me in, my gift to her hanging down from her neck. 

“Mama, why did you let him win?” I mumbled, curling into the pillow.

“Sometimes it’s not always about winning da’lath.” Mama spoke tiredly, her face pale as the moon. But my eyes were already closing, my spirit slipping into the fade.   
. . . 

“Can I join?” I hopped from foot to foot, Rihen was in mid stride of tagging his sister Rivenna, the twins further out, but they all stopped to look at me. 

“No.” Rihen answered, thrusting his small chin in the air, his blonde hair everywhere making him look silly.

“Come on, you’re just afraid because I’m faster than you.” I crossed my arms, using my best taunting voice. 

“No. We’re not supposed to play with the First. . .” Rivenna spoke up, her older face pitying. 

“But . . . but you played with me at Var’Lethallin’Vunin.” I protested, my arms falling to my sides, my voice quivering.

“Because we were allowed to. The Keeper is calling to you.” Rivenna pointed over my shoulder, and sure enough the Keeper was staring straight at me, waiting for me to come to her. 

“You guys are horrible!” I spit at them before running over to the Keeper, tears in my eyes. The Keeper put her old hand on my head, her eyes piercing through me. 

“You’re not like them anymore da’len. Soon you will rule over them, guide them, and protect them. You cannot do that if you play with them.” The Keeper lectured.

“I don’t understand! It’s not fair.” I rubbed my face, pouting and crying a bit. 

“If you hurt them with your magic, will they follow you?” The Keeper questioned, ignoring my tears. 

“No . . . “I whispered, taking a deep breath to stop my tears. 

“You’re right. Now do you understand?”

“Yes. . .”  
“Good, straighten your shoulders and stop crying over it. Leaders don’t show weakness.” The Keeper removed her hand, her eyes serious. I sucked in a deeper breath and straightened my shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello? Anybody here?


	7. Red like Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falin Malarial has ceased from sickness-- or has she?!

Bright like blood

Another birthday came and past. In that year it was hard being the First, none of the other dalens could play with me, so I spent most of my time either helping Mama or doing things for the Keeper. Slowly I grew used to the feeling of being lonely, though it brought tears to my eyes at night. But I had the fade, and the spirits would always play with me, so it wasn't too bad.

But sometime after my seventh birthday the clan contracted a sickness. Mama was bed ridden with a fever, delirious. Elain, whom had recently given birth, was just as bad. Most of the clan had this sickness, and it worried me. The spirits comforted me, it would pass they'd tell me.

The Keeper wasn't so sure. It was beautiful that day, the sun was pleasantly warm. The breeze swept through, as if to make sure the sun didn't bake us too much. My hands were sticky with elf root, one bucket on each side of my tiny feet. I was still clumsy as I slid the dull knife through the plant, scraping out the gooey insides. It reminded me of snot, which made me wrinkle my nose. I was alone, the Keeper was off getting something. The others were doing their everyday tasks, though some, I recalled, prayed that day.

The day was too beautiful, the fade was peaceful against my skin. My fade friend was chatting away, her one eye watching me. I could feel the moment. It was a crack inside me, deep deep down, as if I broke the biggest bone ever inside me. It felt as if my chest was being ripped apart. Like I was reaching for something except I couldn't because I was missing an arm, or a hand, or a leg. My fade friend disappeared, her one eye didn't even look at me when she did. I curled in on myself, the pain so great. Why did it hurt?

My feet led me, as if this pain was a large rope to be followed. I passed my people working, past the halla, past other caravans until I was climbing the one I shared with Mama. Years later I would remember that the Keeper had all the other sick people in a separate caravan so not to spread it, everyone but Mama. The wood was warm as I climbed up it, the curtain soft as I pulled it aside, it was brown like everything else. It was silent.

Mama was pale. Her lips were blue. I pulled the blanket that pooled at her waist up to her chin. She didn't move. Her chest wasn't rising. My shaking hand moved over her mouth, like the Keeper taught me, but her blue lips didn't part. Mama's red hair was fanned out on the pillow, like flower stems. The wooden floor was hard as my knees fell onto them. Mama's fingers were freezing when I clenched them.

I was screaming, great bellowing sounds. I couldn't really tell, you know. It was just hard to breathe through my sinking chest. My body was shaking, my fingers pressing deep into Mama's cold skin. It smelled like someone peed. Like when the hunters kill something. I took great heaping gulps of breath, and my vision couldn't stay clear as tears fell. Others came. I didn't want them. Lightening cracked, splitting the air between them and us. Mama's hair looked like flower stems. Her pilloried Red stems.

The Keeper came, right through the lightening between us. That was okay. The lightening didn't have enough energy to stay. Everything was so slowly, I was slow. They wrapped Mama up. Hands held me back. Mama's head flapped like a fish when they picked her up. The flower stems left her hair. Everything was so cold and dark, and it felt like the insides of me were scooped out like the gooeyness in elf root.

Blood was on Mama's bed pallet, I couldn't look away from it. It was so bright. Bright like Mama's hair.


	8. New Home

My people tried to be comforting, touching my shoulders as they buried Mama's body, her red hair extinguished by the rich soil that welcomed her back. They respected her, she was washed and placed in stranger armor I had never seen before. Songs asking Falon'Din to guide mama safely to the Beyond were sung, but nothing could come out of my dry mouth. Something stirred in me as I watched them, a sort of hatred. This death wasn't honorable, she didn't die fighting.

Heads slowly turned to me as I came before the Keeper, a small seed placed in my tiny child hands. It was barely sprouted, its stem eagerly broken from its shell. Tears bundled in my eyes, and I just wanted to throw the seed- this tree wasn't going to bring Mama back.

"Da'len," The Keeper tilted my chin so that I was forced to look into her eyes. "Honor your mama. This is the natural life cycle." The Keeper kissed my forehead and then turned me to face where Mama's stilled body was buried. I quickly wiped away a fear tears that fell and knelt, it gave way a bit under my knees.

I pressed the seed close to my heart, praying desperately for her to be safe and that Falon'Din finds her. The seed grew warm in my hands before I tucked it into the dirt. When it grew it would symbolize that her life was not lost, but that it was just continued, even if it didn't feel that way to her.

Keeper Deshanna's aravel was cluttered with tomes, furs and herbs, but it was still spacious so that my cot looked out of place. It was surreal to see it, to know that I would have to sleep here instead of being surrounded by the others. The Keeper smiled at me, a brush in her hands.

"Come Da'len. This is your home now." She murmured when I settled before her. Mama would never have allowed this to be my home, ever. . . I sucked in air, gasping, but it didn't stop the tears. Keeper Deshanna wrapped her knobby fingers over me, pressing me close to her.

"It's okay da'len, this was meant to be." It only made me cry harder in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this one is so short expect the next one up soon :D  
> Hope you guys are enjoying :)


	9. Can I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our young mage is tricked by a spirit, can she get out if it?

Can I?

* * *

 

The Keeper expected me to do more now, and so I did. The months flashed by Keeper Deshanna's side as we set bones and helped with fevers. The clan watched me from the corner of their eyes, concern in them. But that faded the longer that Mama was buried. It was hard leaving her body there when we left, and I had horrid dreams that she was reaching out to me, pleading for me to stay. Panosiana, my fade friend laughed at me, her one green eye bright.

Panosiana was always laughing, though when she did it made me feel very small, as if she was being spiteful. But she would just shake her head when I'd tell her that, telling me I was just being silly. She would whisper as I'd help the Keeper, or at night before I could fall asleep in this new type of silence. Years passed with that, but slowly I couldn't help casting glances at my clan, her words echoing.

_Your clan thinks the Keeper is a fool to treat you like this. Rihen thinks you should break your ankle already. Elain doesn't want you near her daughter Ashry. The Keeper thinks you're useless._

"Viranosh, are you listening?" Keeper Deshanna snapped, her greying eyes narrowing at my eleven year old face. It was true, I wasn't listening. Panosiana was whispering that I should be doing other things than rubbing the mix of rose oil and elf root that I ground up earlier that day, into the Keeper's knobby hands. I couldn't help the twitch of irritation at her words, which is why the Keeper must have known that I wasn't listening.

"Ir abelas, Keeper." I tilt my head, working into the tight muscle that prevented the Keeper's hand movements. She sighed, her face becoming soft.

"Does the spirit talk to you often still?" Her greying eyes looked around our aravel, as if she too could see Panosiana's figure.

"Yes, she is lonely." I lied, knowing that the Keeper would find a way to take her away if she knew what Panosiana was saying.

". . . I was saying that Elain will work with you when I am gone." I wiped a warm damp cloth over her pink tinged knuckles, nodding. Keeper Deshanna was venturing with some hunters into the shemlen city, to help the poor flat ears, the next day.

"I know." I settled back on my heels as she opened and closed her hands, a content smile on her fading lips.

"This will be good for the clan to see- to see you acting like the Keeper you will become." She looked me right in the eyes, her voice hopeful. I don't mentions that I was only eleven, and that I wasn't near old enough to receive my vallaslin, or that because of that they wouldn't care. I bow my head to her, my hair fluttering like a curtain to hide me from her expression.

" _The clan will scoff at you."_ Panosiana stated, looking down her sharp nose at me. I glare at the empty socket where her eye used to be, knowing that it would make her mad.

"And if they saw you, they would run away." I whispered back, shaking the dagger Mama had given me years ago. I never stopped Mama's lessons, even though the Keeper shook her head at them. I sheath it and step out into the weak light, a storm was coming fast.

"First," Elain greeted me, did her eyes narrow with contempt? Was she jealous that Ashry would never be as powerful? Or was it because she was afraid that Ashry would be unnecessary and be sent away? "A storm is coming fast."

"Yes," I answer curtly. "Tell me something I don't know." My high voice made me sound like a grouchy child- but I wasn't a child- I was the First. Their future Keeper, which they must remember.

"Do you know how to set up the wards?" Elain asked after she held her breath for a beat. _She thinks you're an ungrateful chit._

"Yes _Elain._ " I briskly walk past her, past the other aravels, past the morning meal until I am at the edge of our encampment. Truly it wasn't setting them up, the Keeper and I already did that when we settled here, and I just had to touch them up against what was attracted from the fade.

" _Elain hates you._ " Panosiana crouched on the other side of the ward, her green eye narrowed at me. I ignored what she was saying, instead focusing on the power the wards already had. It was draining, but then I had only recently started working with them. . .

" _Do you hear that?"_ Panosiana asked, looking up like a fidgety bird. The wind was getting worse, cold fat droplets smacking down from the rolling and crashing sky.

"Let the hunter's deal with it." I didn't look up from the ward, which pulsed a darker hue as it sucked at my magic.

" _Viranosh, it sounds like your Mamae. I think she's calling to you."_ My head snapped up, missing the gleeful expression on her face.

"Are you sure?" My voice was barely there, my heart in my throat. The wind whipped by faster, painfully and rain was coming down in heavy sheets.

" _Yes! Follow me!"_ Panosiana called back to me, already running forward. I glanced down at the ward and made a split decision to run after my fade friend.

Time seemed to slow down as mud sucked at my toes, which were a bit cold. Branches rattled, and voices called out from the fade. I ran like a frightened deer, jumping over things in my way.

"I'm coming Mama!" I called out, the wind whisking my voice away. Panosiana waved me from the side of an incline, a large bush blocking the way. I ran up it, jumping over the bush, and my feet protested against the rough impact.

"Panosiana, I don't see—" My voice ended in a cry when a grizzly lumbered up, roaring. The bear cubs nudged at my feet, fear making me tremble a bit. I barely saw Panosiana's smirk as the grizzly's claws ranked at my head, hitting me full force. I screamed crumbling to the ground.

My face throbbed with fierce pain, making my vision dark as the rain continued to pound into my body. The grizzly snorted, its huge body lunging down onto my slight body, making my world dark.

" _Viranosh, Viranosh,"_ Panosiana sang my name. I barely was able to crack open my eyelashes, the grizzly's long gone.

"Why?" I croaked, pain making me cough. It felt like my ribs were crushed, painful stabs every time I breathed.

" _You should have known better than run into a grizzly's cub."_ She continued to smirk at me, her bright green eye wide in glee. I glared at her through the pain, though the coldness of the rain numbed some of it a bit. I couldn't feel my fingers, or my toes.

"You betrayed me." I closed my eyes again, my child mind working hard to stay conscious. I should scream for the hunters, for anyone to find me. I should have never followed her. Traitor.

" _How can you blame me? If you give me your body, I can take the pain away."_ I scoffed softly, keeping my eyes closed tightly. I waited for the blackness to take me, but it refused to take me back. The pain made my breathing fast as I continued to breathe.

" _I won't let you go, give yourself to me._ " She hissed, pressing her fingers into my opened skin making a scream tumble out of my mouth. I thought I could last, but I couldn't.

"Make it stop. Take my body already." I cried, sobs clenching in my chest. It was almost a comfort when I felt her slip into my skin, making it tight. I gladly fell into darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thank you for reading this :)   
> So encase anyone has seen this before, no its not plagiarism


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